Taylor Swift takes on Travis Kelce
She wants the skybox of his heart
Taylor Swift has said goodbye tortured artist, hello chronic traumatic encephalopathy. Her new rumored beau, one Travis Kelce, is by all accounts a simple man: a goofball, a good guy, an all-American podcaster with a reality TV past, and most importantly, a departure from her usual brand of boy. Which makes sense. Taylor has reached a new echelon of fame and her requirements for a beau must be a little different.
Look at any great queen and beside them is not a peer or even a great man. Instead, they all have their favorite little himbo (i.e., an attractive but unintelligent man).
Queen Elizabeth I strung along Lord Dudley, ‘for he is like my little dog’. Queen Victoria loved Albert but made sure he always stood just a touch behind her. Cleopatra kept a flavor of the week. Beyoncé is still with that man. Malala Yousafzai even knows what’s up.
Travis saw his shot and he took it (sports reference), using his own podcast as the platform to announce that he tried to ask Taylor out at her show. He was “butthurt” that she was too busy to host a meet and greet for the thirstiest celebs attending her concert, and he, as men often do, took that rejection and decided it was a challenge. He campaigned to get her attention and look at her now. In his gear. With his mom. Selling out his jerseys.
Everyone is eating up this ketchup and seemingly ranch pairing. Every news outlet, talking head, verified NFL and/or Taylor Swift update account has been spitting out updates all week, with a sizzle reel after The Voice even “explaining” football to the sudden influx of swifties tuning in to the Sunday night game she attended in New York (along with far too many celebrities pretending to care about the Jets).
Over the last week, Travis had nothing but positive things to say. Things like “Shout out to Taylor for for pulling up,” and “it was definitely a game I’ll remember” and “you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take, baby.”
On the other hand, within 24 hours of her buzzy appearance, a close source made sure to tell People, ““Taylor is very focused on work right now and hanging out with her girlfriends. Travis invited her to the game, and of course she said ‘yes.’” They doubled down on this narrative after a photo leak of her ~provocatively~ wrapping her arm around his shoulders during their after-dinner hang, reiterating, “ [She’s] in her fun girl era and strictly having fun right now.”
(You know I love a fun girl era.)
But the question remains: what’s really going on here? Swifties can’t let Taylor blink without it meaning something, so here is a collection of all my favorite theories from most likely to absolutely unhinged around Traylor Swiftce:
- She just thought it was a fantastic way to spend Sunday
- She likes that a guy isn’t actually embarrassed to be associated with her
- She wants to forget about her sick british orphan kink and try something new
- She is thirty(four), flirty, and thriving, ready to catch a tan after six years living with a homebody
- She wants to remain top of the news so people continue to buy one of five editions of 1989 (Taylor’s Version) whenever she drops a new “limited” version
- She’s turning the spotlight on herself to bury any and all press around her new BFFs breakup with Joe Jonas
- She is systematically attempting to recreate the 1989 hoopla as she preps for the upcoming Taylor’s Version release, effectively stirring the overexposure to then properly recreate the reputation era before announcing that rerecording, too
Of course, the truth is probably somewhere in the middle. And it’s definitely not as serious as some of the pearl-clutching happening on both sides — whether that’s Taylor fans already planning their weddings or worried he’s using her for clout; or Travis fans who can’t seem to take a joke; or miserable dorks just asking why this is news.
In any case, when you look at Taylor Swift entering her billionaire era, getting back on the road for her international tour, being credited with NFL ticket and jersey sales just for showing up, you know this isn’t really for her.
No, no, no. Taylor loves a pro bono case. Just look at her past: attempting to rehab questionable men, always reassuring her poor boyfriend, and giving dudes their best song in years.
She has always been a charitable lover. So ask not what Travis Kelce can do for her, ask what Taylor can do for this simple, simple man.
After all, she really did put him on the map.
